Can the discussions with children about their bodies and sexuality protect them against sexual aggression?

Before answering this question, it is important to think about what discussions with children about the body and sexual aspects presume.

As parents we think often thank talking to our own child about sexual matters involves explaining how adults actually have sex or how babies are born. But talking to your child about sexuality and the body is not just about that. When we talk about sexual education, we are actually talking about providing the child, according to his or her age, with information so that they can be prepared for daily situations and with life in general. Just as we discuss with children the phenomena of nature, literature, music, math etc., which we consider to contribute to their long-term psychological and intellectual development, so it is necessary to include discussions about the body and sexual issues as part of the general culture needs of children from a very early age.

How can adapt the discussions with children about the body and sexual matters according to their age?

• With preschoolers’ children, i.e. roughly between the ages of 2 and 5, we can discuss the names of the different parts of the body (and therefore also of the sexual organs), their functions and intimacy. A typical example of a discussion would be that we teach and practice with the child to name all the body’s parts, including sexual organs. We consider that is up to the parent to decide whether he/she wants to use scientific terms (vagina, penis) or whether he/she wants to use other names (such as: “cock” or “pussy”). By the age of five, the children should be familiar with the function of the sexual organs for peeing, while the other functions will be addressed as the child grows. Another type of discussion you can have with your child is about practical understanding of the concept of intimate/private areas. It is important form them to know who can see and touch their private parts (parents, caregivers, in the shower, when changing clothes), and that when we undressing or showering, these are intimate activities that we do in the bathroom or room, alone or with the help of caregivers.
• With young school-age children, i.e. in the 6-9/10 years old, we can begin to introduce and in simple terms basic information about close, intimate relationships between children, as well as more specific information about sexual organs. When we talk about “intimate, close relationships” we are referring to the fact that in this age group children, girls and boys alike, often say that they have loving relationships with schools peers.

In the 6-9/10 age group children most often shower on their own or are helped by the same sex parent, go to the toilet on their own, can undress and dress themselves. Discuss with your child when and by whom she/he can be seen undressed or touched on the body and intimate areas. For example, if we are talking about a 9 year old girl changing in her room, the mother can enter the room if she has knocked on the door beforehand and girl has answered and allowed her to enter.

• With pre-adolescents, i.e. in the 10-12 age group, depending on their level of development and the information they have received by this age, you can talk about hormonal changes, as well as emotional, behavioral and emerging intimate interests that may arise toward peers of a similar age. Practical experience shows us that in 10-12 age group, some pre-adolescents may already have had their first sexual experiences (actual sexual intercourse), while others are still in a stage of childhood. It is important to adapt discussions about sexual matters according to the child’s psychological development. Even if may seem shocking, some pre-adolescents have already started their sexual life, and studies show that, for girls, a significant number of sexual assaults occur within this age group. To ensure that your child is protected from the risks of sexual abuse or sexually transmitted infections, it is important to have open discussions about sexuality. Here are some examples of topics you can address with your child (depending on their psychological stage of development): issues related to giving consent for physical intimacy or sexual activity, basic information about reproduction and sexual relationships, basic facts about sexually transmitted infections, information about the emotional, physical and hormonal changes that occur during this stage of life.
• With adolescents, i.e. 13+ group age: if in the previous stage of age, you were unsure whether to discuss more specifically with your child about sexuality and sexual relationships, starting with the age of 13, we consider that it is time to address these topics. It is important to talk about issues such as consent, protection methods, sexual relationships between minors and adults, and sexually transmitted infections. It is a current reality that minors, especially girls, are attracted into relationships with adult men. It is important to discuss these issues with your child, helping them understand the legal prohibitions regarding relationships between minors and adults, but especially the psychological and social development differences involved. Explain to your child the concept of “sexual grooming” and help them understand the sexual offenders manipulate and gradually convince the victim their relationship is special and based on trust, not one of manipulation and abuse.

Returning to the question which we posed at the beginning of this article – “Can discussions with children about their bodies and sexuality protect from sexual abuse?” we hope that, after you reading the information above, your answer is “yes”.

We understand that talking with your child about their body and sexuality requires not only having accurate and quality information about sexual matters but also a certain amount of courage and comfort in discussing these topics. Parents can’t be superhumans and can’t fulfill all social roles at the same time – as both a parent, a sex education expert, and a psychologist. If you feel unable to address sexual education topics with your child, there are many associations and NGOs both in Bucharest and across the country that you can turn to for support. Additionally, the internet provides numerous resources to help you better prepare for these types of discussions with your child.

You will find a list of recommended resources with links in the bibliography section.

Bibliography:

1. Web – link Talking Sex, Puberty & Relationships: A Resource for Parents
2. Web – link How to Talk to Children About Sex & Safety | NSPCC | NSPCC
3. Web – link Healthy relationships | NSPCC
4. Web – link Talking to My Preteen Middle-schooler About Sex & Sexuality

Article realized by Patricia Aramă, psychologist.